Thursday, March 6, 2008


I consider myself a God-fearing, motivated, ambitious, and goal driven individual. Nevertheless due to certain circumstances that have happened in my life (good and bad), I am now prone to procrastination. I plan everything I set out to do (yes I am truly anal like that) to the very "tee". Meaning day to day, month to month, year to year. I have been doing this since the summer before my freshman year of high school. I had a pretty good track record too. I complete everything I set forth in doing that I put on my "To-Do List for Life".

I went to the college I wanted to go, made the GPAs I set forth to obtaining, planned what semester to get a car, planned what semester to move off campus, to join my sorority, and planned to graduate early from college to rest and get prepared for my ultimate goal in life. The goals that I mention—ACCOMPLISHED.

Nevertheless the ultimate goal has yet to be "accomplished".

Completing law school.

Have you ever worked extremely hard to get somewhere and when you made it there you wondered why am I here?


I was afraid to move, to succeed at what I worked for, for as long as I could remember due to fear of failure and rejection.

Initially, when I thought about my history it didn't make sense to me. How can I be afraid of rejection when, on most accounts, I haven't experienced it? After digging a little deeper I realized that I've seldom experienced rejection, not because I'm so grand or anything like that, but because I'd never put myself out there long enough to be rejected.

Well I was rejected (flunking out of law school) in a sense, by my own doing. This has haunted me now for almost 4 years. The situation handicapped me. I became one of those individuals that I always talked about: a person who stays in the same element because they are scared of change.

If I'm honest, even now there are so many things that I've been "planning" to do that leave me feeling vulnerable to rejection. And it seems like the higher the stakes, the greater the feeling of vulnerability. But I know that it's necessary. Know that staying in the safe place can stifle growth. If you ever want to increase your faith, step out on nothing, meaning expect nothing to come from it. Move when God tells you to; even when you're uncertain of the outcome. Push past the fear. So I when I came to this milestone in my life: my 25th birthday, I am learning what is important in my life. One way is by eliminating the negativity and individuals who brings these negative forces in my life. I had to shed the "To do list for life" binder (yes it was worth needing a binder for-LOL), and just made a list of things that I wanted to work towards and accomplished. I know you are saying, "Isn't this the same thing?" HOWEVER this list does not have a time frame on it, and it does not run my life like the binder did. If it happens it happens and if it does not, it does not. There will not be any break downs if something does not happen according to my plan. Truthfully it is suppose to happen according to God's plan. I have truly learned this matter and my life is finally starting to come in place because of it.

The very rejection I feared dealing with flunking out of law school manifested in me for years. And guess what, I lived! Not only did I live, but God closed that door, and I truly feel because He is going to open up a greater one. Hallelujah. As crazy as it sounds to me, I thank God that He allowed me to experience rejection and failure. I hope you get rejected and/or fail too (smile). I'm serious, I hope hearing someone say 'No' motivates you to soar, and reach for better. Why settle for ground level, when God is calling you higher? Turn that rejection into fuel. If you are anything like me, it will only stir your persistence.

I am currently studying for the LSAT and will apply to law school for Fall 2009. I know that I flunking out was not because I could not do it, but it was because I was scare of what the future would bring. I kept wondering was I good or smart enough to be here with the rest of the individuals. I did not have enough confidence in me nor God for that matter, and that is just a recipe for disaster.

P.S. The "Ulimate Goal' will eventually go to the accomplished list....IF it is according to God's plan.

Thanks everyone for reading this and I hope it helps you in some way.


sweetpea said...

I think sometimes a lot of our rationalities are unfounded. I know for me, my fear of rejection (work-related) has no basis, just a thought that got spun out of control for too long. But when I was tested at work and I DID in fact start to get the shaft due to nothing personal but some bad politics, I worked my tail off like my life depended on it! So you're right, lol, people should go through rejection because for me, I never knew I could be that strong and step my game up with such force!

Thanks for sharing and reminding me that with God I'm capable of anything (His will be done)!

quarter-life-crisis said...


It is a great feeling to know that like minded individuals are reading and enjoying my page. I know that I am a work in progress. Since deciding to try again my mind (and others) are trying to discourage me, but I know now that I can and will accomplished this task.

Anonymous said...

It so amazing to even read the title of your blog. I've recently realized that that's exactly what I'm going through and fortunately for me I've realized that I was self-sabatoging myself. I'm also persuing a professional degree and live by my to-do lists. Of late, I make them and just sit around not even pretending to tackle the simplest of tasks. I think this is just what I needed to hear to get in gear. I'm leaving the keyboard and picking up the pipet immediately. Thanks for that. I wish you well on your applications.