Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Determing how I feel and why

So I wrote this last Wednesday and seriously debated posting it because I thought maybe it was to "BLUE" and did not want to write depressing crap. However this is what I felt at the time and this is my journal so to speak. I am feeling particularly down these days (not as bad as that particular day) for no reason at all. I am currently trying to come to terms with why I am feeling this way and do something about it.
Hello all……..

Feel like hearing about my situation? Well here goes:

Today for some strange reason I get to work and start feeling extremely down. I have no reason to feel like this, nothing in particular has happen or is going to happen. So I start wondering, “Why am I sad?” and thinking about reasons gets me more down. Compared to the next guy, you can say I have a pretty good life. Nevertheless there is always someone who is doing worse than you so I cannot really go by that.

At lunch I call my mom to whine and cry to her about it. I express that I am sad and do not know why and I begin to cry. She goes to say that I always get like this and that I should go see someone because I may have a chemical imbalance (I disagree).

Now here I am after work sitting in my church parking lot waiting for Bible Study (in 2 hours) to start (I live 20 mins away and if I were to go home and then come back—I would not come back). I am starting to get my materials out to start working on some practice problems dealing with the LSAT when I come across the notes I took the last time I came to Bible Study.

“Your test/trial will always come at your spiritual promotion”

Ah ha!! So I seat and ponder on that particular statement.

In earlier days where I tried to do better by God, what got me the most were my actions. There were things I just could not shake. However as I grow older, wiser, and closer to God, I see myself not even having a desire to do certain things and not caring what others (such as family, close friends and/or peers) think about it. I had a situation to occur this weekend where (though very painful) I have come to the conclusion that I may have to eliminate someone out of my life because I feel like they are keeping me back from something greater. I have always been the type that if my friend girls were trying to better themselves and wanted to eliminate something from their life, I would respect that and just not go to certain places or do certain things with them. However this particular friend (actually a family member) is not respecting that there are some places and things that I no longer want to be involve in. Its not like I am trying to do it because I know it is not pleasing to Him, literally the desire to go to those places and do those things are not on my heart. For her to not understand that (or care) hurts extremely.

With that being said, I feel that since the devil (and/or evil forces) cannot play on my weakness that way, he is trying to play with my mind!!!! LOL (no seriously). I am developing spiritually and the devil cannot stand it. Nevertheless I am going to continue to pray and give thanks for the many blessings (and I do mean MANY) God has provided me with.

I have came to the conclusion that I may suffer from depression (or this maybe what some people who are going through quarter life crisis go through). Nevertheless I feel that it is a very small form of it.
My question is how does this go with my spirituality? So I am currently trying to figure out:
spiritual growth and depression
having faith vs. depression
I would love to have you guys view/opinion of this.

4 comments:

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Well lets see I have gone through sever blue periods in my life and I think that sometimes it is how we deal with the death of a certain phase in life or some times its the ego trying to fight and keep you beholden to it. I think at your age you are putting away childish things and I think that perhaps your subconscious may grieve that a little bit, ie depression.

When I built my new house after my divorce I went through a major depression I mean I remember it so clearly, well it was only like November of last year. But it was crazy because from the outside everything looked rosy. I had done it I had done exactly what I said I would when my ex was all THIS IS MY HOUSE I’m not leaving! I simply said you can have it I CAN GET ANOTHER HOUSE! So you would have thought that my life should have been bottle and collar popping, “I Will Survive” karaoke singing all over the place. Instead I would be at work depressed knowing I was depressed but crying and saying what is wrong with me my life is good.

I just prayed and got through and now with my wonderful hindsight I can see that I was mourning the true end of my marriage. The completion of the FINAL goal signified to me that it was finished. And while you know I don’t regret my decision, my marriage is the one major thing in my life that I failed at.

Now when I was in your age range I went through a bout of depression and spirituality where I realized what my personal relationship with Him was going to be and determining that as opposed to what I was raised to do and what was engrained in my head about God, religion, and church. I think that might be where you are. I wanted to explore new things and stuff but my ex was never into that so he was always pulling the other way. It’s funny how he found God when I left, but I sometime think that may have been our purpose for him to actually take God seriously. Anyway that is WAY off topic.

I think as long as you know you are depressed that it helps you know just hang in there and work it through and if you need to talk to a mental health professional I don’t think there is ANYTHING wrong with it. I think it helps you realize that you shouldn’t be asking why ARE people crazy, but why aren’t they. That’s a quote from Gray’s
Hope this helped!

-OG

quarter-life-crisis said...

Thanks!! I think that if I stop focusing on the unknown and learn to become more faithful, I will be okay. Like you stated, I have to just pray through it. I am going to read up on meditation and try that also.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Have you read a New Earth? I know I know it sounds very Oprah says and I was skeptical but it is a great read also try his other book Power of Now.

-OG

sweetpea said...

That was great insight that she gave. It has me going back and thinking about what I could have been mourning over when I was in my blues from time to time...

I always figured that I had a chemical (bi-polar)/hormonal imbalance and that when the time came for me to be in a vulnerable mood, I would fixate on some idea that is a sore spot in my heart. Then my mind would take over and try to destroy my life.
Well, I am on the shot (Depo, birht control)!! and I tell you what, no more periods or PMS or PMDD or sad days for me. Once I saw my Gyno to ask her what was wrong with me and she gave me Prozac... I think it wouldn't hurt for you to look into what your mom suggested. It could be chemical. Or you could be very sensitive when it comes to your emotions and things and people you don't even realize are affecting you. Like maybe you had a very quick thought about something sad on your way to work and the mood that it brought you took longer to go away than the actual thought....