Sunday, July 13, 2008

Qualities I want my mate to have

Since I am on the subject of men and I mentioned that I made a list of characteristics/qualities that I wanted my mate to have, I feel that it is only fair that I share them with you. Also I would like feedback on if I am being unrealistic.
  1. God-fearing. Someone who is where I am with God or better. Has to love God more than he will love me. Pray with me, bring me closer to God.
  2. Book lover. Will enjoy going to book stores with me.
  3. Someone I can travel with, take home to mama, and bring around my girls. Can take him to the hood and work related events (basically be a "switcher" like myself).
  4. An educated man (book & street smarts), but one that knows not to cross the line or embrass me with his intellect. Willing to broaden my horizons.
  5. I need to be intimidated by him in the beginning (do not ask me why - its a turn on), helps me step my game up. Keep me on my toes.
  6. A man of virtue and pushes me to be a better me. The other side of me that I have been looking for. A man that knows he is not perfect but can learn, adapt, and is willing to do all he can to keep me happy.
  7. A man that can and will take care of me, have my back, and be the first one to call with my good news.
  8. Someone to visit on lonely weekends just for me to talk his ear off about my childhood, how much I have changed, and what the future has in store for me.
  9. Someone to try new things with even though they may seem corny.
  10. Can cook!
  11. Has a STABLE job.
  12. He values family and have a stable relationship with them.
  13. FAITHFUL. Someone who believes in having one woman.
  14. A man who believes in getting to know a female before entering into a sexual relationship.
  15. A man who likes me because of my strength, but allows me to be vulnerable.
  16. A man who understands my independence, but knows he is needed.
  17. A man who is independent, but makes me feel wanted/needed.
  18. A man who is ambitious as I.
  19. Attractive and healthy who has style and flava.
  20. A man who will open me up sexually (if there is any further you can take me! LOL), who is open to try new things in the bedroom and bring out another side to each other!

Thats it. What do you think? Am I doing to much?


IntrospectiveGoddess said...

I will say it Yes, you are doing a little too much but with just a few things.....on 4,5 and 6 you seem to want someone who is intelligent but not more intelligent than what is that saying you want them to dumb themselves down so that you wont feel inferior? if they are intelligent their intellect shouldnt embarrass you...maybe I just read more into that and you could have explained what you meant...a man who pushes you to be a better you? why should he have to do that? I have heard of complementing someone but if he has to push you to be a better you then he sounds more like a motivational coach than a boyfriend...Number 15 you might have to explain it sounds a bit confusing....oh and I forgot number 1, that seems a bit much because everyone's relationship with God is different so to require that they are where you are with God seems a bit unrealistic...if you want him to bring you closer to God that sounds a bit unrealistic he a pastor or your boyfriend? There is nothing wrong with being spiritual together but can he really bring you closer to God or is that more of your responsibility?

Hope I didnt come off as harsh just giving my opinion....Nice list though

quarter-life-crisis said...

I never stated that I did not want him to be smarter than me; I stated that I did not want him to put me down because he felt he was smarter than me. I also stated that I like feeling a little intimidated (again, do not know why, but I do) and he has to be smart (book and/or street wise) in order for me to feel that way. Hope that is not confusing.

Also why would you NOT want someone who pushes you to be a better you? This does not mean that he is a “motivational coach”. It means that when I am weak, he can be strong for me. Sometimes people see potential in you that maybe you do not see in yourself. For example, right now I am going through a challenge, if I am having a bad day over it and feel like giving up, I do not want anyone who is like, “okay, give up then” when he know I can do better.

As with number 15, I am the type of person who does not show their feelings on my sleeve. It takes awhile for me to get there with someone. I feel (and I am trying to get out of that) that it is a sign of weakness. However when I get there I need him to appreciate that side also because I am letting down my guard to him.

Lastly with regards to number one, that is something that I will not budge on. I truly believe that this is the very reason why I continue to find “knuckle heads”. He does not have to be a preacher, but he does have to have a spiritual side to him. I hope I did not come off as someone who is holier than thou because I am not. I have a lot of things to work on with myself and I also know that no one is perfect. It will be plenty of times when I will post something that may contradict other things, and that is because I am a work in progress. So when I say that he has to be on the level I am or more than…..that’s just it. Sometimes you cannot get closer to God without influences from others. Meaning not telling me what I should do (in order to get closer), but just showing me with his actions. I hope that I myself am showing individuals by my actions. Truthfully I try to surround myself with individuals who can do that for me, so it is only right to expect the man I want in my life to do the same.

No you did not come off as harsh (after I read it for a 2nd time LOL), it’s nice to get constructive criticism. I have tough skinned.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Yes, I think your list is a bit much. I think some of the things in your list are more relationship driven and you really need to look at what the character is of a man who does all those things. Actually you shouldn’t be asking for half of them because some of that stuff is what comes when you are in a relationship with a man, a real man. One who has character and integrity? I think you need to focus more on the characteristics of a man you want than what you want the relationship to be like, because you have a lot in determining the shape and structure of your relationship. My list has never been long, but when I married the first time I made exceptions to the NUMBER ONE thing on my list, he even pretended to change because that was on my list, but he didn’t. The thing you need to think about is the character of the person. In the end of my marriage it was the fact that we were not the same kind of people.

I also don’t like list because it makes us look over people who are good for them, but hey I also say to each her own so if a list is what you need, it is what you need. In my space now, after my divorce I spent a lot of time working on me looking at who I was objectively tracing where I went wrong, you know typical lessons learned kinda thing applied to my marriage. The thing that I have come to is pretty simple I’m looking for friend. To me my mate should be my friend. Most of those things you mentioned you probably can find in many of your friendships, I hope.

It seems from reading your list you may have been in some very unhealthy relationships since you feel the need to state things that are common courtesy, like he shouldn’t try to make me feel dumb. NO ONE can make you feel anything, you allow yourself to feel that way based on thoughts of insecurity. You are who you are.

I think you should really concentrate on the character and character traits of the person you want if you have to make a list and of course you allowed a few superficial things too. If I were to make my list today it would be short: a good hearted, warm, smart, god-fearing man. I think all the other stuff like being able to take him places and duality of cultures and treating me like this or like that, those are the things that happen when you date. However you have to meet first.

I don’t need list actions he should do with me like pray, (because as his wife I would be the one who is supposed to be praying for him), because as a man who is god-fearing he will do that. I don’t need to call out the various aspects of treating me because if he is good-hearted and warm those things will follow and even when they don’t I will be able to tell him and he will adjust. I certainly don’t require he be a reader, I think when you get into that level of detail you set yourself up for failure. I am a firm believer in making your own happiness. Would he be nice if he went to the bookstore? Sure, but those things are tertiary when you talk about a mate to go through life with.

I just don’t think you should get caught up in this list game. List means you are shopping and we all know that a man is supposed to find you. Work on your house, know what you will and won’t accept but pray that the mate God sends you is the mate that he believes is best for you. I wish you would have spent that time writing a list of the things that make you a wonderful mate than what you want. I really think the key to having good relationships is loving yourself. You need to be whole in order to become part of a half. Just start working on you understanding who you are as person, don’t wait until you are in your 30’s like me. If I had done this when I was your age I would have never married my ex.

If you build it they will come!


Stew said...

i do not have as much to say as the others, but i will say that out of a list of 20 u will probably get 10-14 of them.

what you have to do is pick the ones you can live without and pick the ones that are a definite and go from there.