HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

So once again I grow a year older. Didn't really do too much (actually I did nothing). Co workers and boss took me out to lunch, my aunt gave me a gift certificate to our favorite spa for a facial, and I came home to get on the Internet (one of the tenants in my apartment has not realize that they did not lock their wireless) and to talk on the phone to my friends/love ones.

This is not a bad thing because usually I do not celebrate my birthdays. I just do not like a lot of attention on me like that. However it did make me think about birthdays in the past.

I am 27 and I believe that I have been single for every birthday I have had in my twenties. WOW!!!!!

So with that being said, I am looking at all the men that are currently in my life. I am not on a romantic level with none of these gentlemen (well maybe two/a couple of them wish we were), but I make it an effort to call them, if not at MIDNIGHT, on their birthday. These NINE gentlemen (I am starting to use this word loosely now) know how important I take birthdays and some of them I talk to just yesterday/last week!!!! Out of the nine men, TWO called and wished me a happy birthday.

Really?

Will I be taking this too far if I start to distance myself from these individuals? I ask this because I find it curious that I can talk to these people all the time (emails, facebook, phone, text, etc.), but only TWO can take the time to call and wish me a damn happy birthdaaaaay!!!

Whatever............

Quote of the day

I saw this in the comment section on another blog and it was a light blub moment for me!

"Simply paying the bills, and existing, isn’t sufficient."

I need to start doing something about it.......

Quote of the day

"If you are going to worry, why pray. If you are going to pray, why worry."

So I been thinking........

AND

Glad the 40 detox is over....... now I have to blog about it.

AND

I will be creating an additional blog about books I have read.

AND

Why am I creating another blog when I barely post on this one?

AND

Got to do better with posting on my blog in 2009.

AND

Not looking forward to the 6 1/2 - 7 hour drive to Louisiana.

AND

I am looking forward to some Gumbo though!

AND

Cannot contain my excitement about having my own apartment!! December 31, 2008 I will obtain the keys!!! YEAH!!!

AND

Excited to finally meet my new niece!

AND

I am finally starting to feel contentment.

AND

I think that 2009 will be a great year for me!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

Detox for the mind, body, and soul - PART ONE

Day 6 of 40

Since turning 26, I've found myself becoming much more reflective and serious about my life. Not that I wasn’t before, but now in a much lucid perspective. Nor am I taking myself too seriously, but I’m starting to notice how much more aware I am of myself, my thoughts, relationships with others, career, path and purpose. I feel that I am sort of grieving and putting away my young self. Nevertheless I am extremely excited and deathly afraid of what is in store.

I am always searching out for women older than me to get their perspective on life and ask did they go through the same things at this age and stage. When I hear all these amazing stories of women truly finding themselves in their 40’s and 50’s, I am like, “Dang! Am I going to be crazy for another 15 years?!”

So here I am trying to gain some knowledge to get me through these twenties, and all they can say is, “Girl your 20’s are going to be some of the best and worst times of your life.” The majority of them felt that their 20’s were so hard for them and life gets so much better in your 30’s and up.

Last week as I was getting dress for work, I looked in the mirror and thought, I’m grown!

I finally believe that I am coming into my own. Meaning I know what makes me happy and I want to try and find ways to achieve those things NOW so that I can become a truly happy and content woman.

My passion for history, writing (regardless if I think I am good or not) and entrepreneurship has been weighing heavy on me that I feel like I am suffocating from it. How can I turn my passions into some kind of reality? I have ton of ideas, but currently I am living in a reality where I am extremely in debt, living with a relative and wanting my own place, working a job that does not appreciate my skills and experience with crappy pay, wanting a man-but knowing I do not NEED a man in my life right now, and most importantly trying to achieve a goal that I know deep down inside is not a dream I dream for myself anymore. AHHHHHH!!!!!

With all of this going on in my head, I came to the conclusion that I need to detoxify my mind, body, and soul.

On Monday, November 10, 2008, I started my 40 day detox. The reason I picked the number 40 was because in the bible it means completion/perfect. Instead of starting January first, I decided to start as soon as possible. In my opinion the number 40 represents a proficiency of time that is long enough or large enough to remove doubt; long enough and large enough to prove God's point.

I just want a greater sense of well being, break some bad habits, let go of past failures and regrets. I know that I will not find all my answers in this period, but I would love to start a new year off at a different place.

I keep/kept fighting myself about taking this route. Nevertheless I knew that I had to do something because I am not happy with anything these days. I have this constant state of anxiousness and fear. I am unsatisfied with my looks (these damn 15 pounds UGHHH), I always feel bloated (because of the horrible foods that I consume), I cannot sleep or I am sleeping my days away, and I am always tired and restless to the point of not wanting to do anything, much less read, work on my business, and/or blog. I cannot keep focus or concentrate on anything except the damn television. Basically I just feel “blah” 24/7.

Someone told me that if I want optimum performance, I will need to put optimum nourishment in my mind, body and soul.

The following things are being eliminated while on the detox:

Limited or no TV

No cold drinks (soda to you city folks) - basically Coca-cola because I drink it like water.

Fried foods

McDonalds (10 piece nugget meal)

Dairy products and sugar

Processed food

Meat (Lord help us all! LOL)

Sex/masturbation

The following things are being included in my life permanently:

Walking at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes

Doing YOGA

Water!!!! - This will be hard because I HATE water.

Meditation

I started off slow. The first week was basically getting a new routine for sleeping. Trying to obtain 8 hours of sleep. Instead of my usually 4-6 weekdays/10-12 weekends. Last week I also started drinking a bottle of smart water a day. Slowly trying to move away from Cokes.

This week is my FIVE day major food detox. Meaning nothing but water, fruits and veggies, maybe some grill fish, limited TV (2-3 days), meditation, yoga, and walking all five days. Today is day one and I miss coke and television sooo much!!!! However it is for the better good.

I will keep you all posted.

So I been thinking........

AND

I finally know what I want to do with myself and what needs to be done.

AND

I need to stop procrastinating and go to the counselor.

AND

I really wish I could move Atlanta to Louisiana. I would have the best of both worlds.

AND

I am really seeing the true/real side of “mainstream” America. (White people)

AND

I wish I had my own place!

AND

I think that every time I voice my view/opinion at work this past week, mainstream America think I do not know how to act since Obama won. LOL! Like I did not have an opinion week before last!!

AND

I am not challenged at work and it is making it very difficult to have motivation.

AND

I want to start a non-profit organization.

AND
I am in love with the website www.43things.com. It’s for anal individuals like myself who have to have “to-do” list. Check it out.

AND

I am researching schools in order to obtain my Masters/PHD in History. How does Professor QLC sound? LOL!!

So I been thinking........

AND

If Obama win, I am not going to work on that Wednesday! LOL!

AND

Will we even know who the winner is Tuesday night?

AND

I am scared about seeing a counselor because for some strange reason I feel its conflicting with me spirituality.

AND

I hope that this recession/depression/bad ass financial situation our country is in helps me out in some way. Maybe....... A foreclosed condo? Is that bad for me to think that way?

AND

Instead of faithing watching "The Biggest Loser", I SHOULD be the biggest loser! Well 10 pounds lighter.

AND

Its time to find another place (and an additional place) to obtain a paycheck.

AND

DAMN I need good credit right about now!!

AND

During these hard economic times, is it okay to get a suga daddy? LOL!!

AND

I really need to eliminate television out of my life.

AND

I am so excited about being a new aunt!!!!

Oh my gosh!!

Sorry about being M.I.A lately, but I cannot muster up any energy to do anything. Also so much has been going on with me that I just need to find time to get myself together. I wish there was a "refresh" button for life! I am at a fork in the road and I do not know which way to go. Everyday it is something different. However I am taking steps to get me some help (a counselor) and with the help and daily prayer, a solution should come about.

So I been thinking........

AND.....

Why can I only find gas between the hours of midnight and 6am?

AND.....

I am thanking God for the "EXPRESS" bus that takes me to the MARTA everyday for work so that I can preserve my gas for emergencies.

AND.....

I thought I was going to like Jazmine Sullivan CD a lot more. I like it, but..... she is no Lauryn Hill 1998-99. Maybe it will grow on me.

AND.....

I am thanking God that even though I am ONE check away from being homeless, car less, and food less, that at least I have a job to obtain a check.

AND.....

Why with my questionable credit (that I am working on to the best of my ability) are Credit Card companies trying to GIVE me credit cards? OH Lawd it is sooo hard shredding them up!!! Especially since I am so broke and need any extra income possible.

AND.....

For extra income I am thinking about taking the "tax course" for H&R Block. I think it is from October until May. That income can catch me up on my bills and towards debt.

AND.....

I am about to make a MAJOR career decision.

AND.....

Why is losing 10 (okay I really want to lose 15) pounds so hard? It maybe because mentally I am not into it.

AND.....

Why am I scared to find another job? With the economy the way it is and the job market at its all time low, I am scared to leave this bad situation and end up being laid off at another job. (Hence the career change)

AND.....

Why am I so bad at picking men?

So I been thinking........

AND........

I realize that I may be a walking contradiction.

ALSO

I whine entirely to much for my age.

I have an addictive personality.

I try to be hard, but I am not.

I am a great friend and sister.

I give excellent advice, but I do not use it in my own life.

I cannot decide if I want micro braids or a sewn in before I cut my hair all off for my birthday (like I do every year since I was 18)

I am lazy and it is the reason for some of my failures.

I am organize, but messy (organize chaos as I call it).

I KNOW that I do need to be getting involved with someone, BUT really wanting to!!!

I just discovered Sudoku, and I am loving it!

I am a closet nerd and I am about to start coming "out" to people! LOL

Oh and lastly, I am a very blessed individual and would not trade anything.

HOLLA!

Greetings Everyone!!!!!

Since my last blog entry, God has truly reminded me that it is in Him I MUST live and move. through. Putting my trust into anything or anyone other than Him proves to be unacceptable. I have also realized that in order to truly have a new reality, I have to have a change in outlook. '

By not seeking revenge last weekend and truly ignoring the situation, I gain power over the situation. That was my “revenge” so to speak. I killed them with kindness. I just let it go and concentrated on me and my happiness.

I feel my biggest challenge is not picturing my future, but becoming comfortable with the “right now” and seeing it the way God does. I am trying to look past my circumstances and know that God’s has the finish plan.

With preparing for the LSAT, trying to start a business, and the UNNECESSARY drama, my life was filled with chaos and anxiety. However as of Monday (right after I finished taking the LSAT) I am choosing to visualize my today and future as calm, stimulating and fulfilling.

Friday Evaluation

If this week wasn't stressful enough, today I hit an all time LOW. Its not even 8am yet!!!! So as I sit at work writing this, trying to hold back tears from the pain that I MYSELF have caused, I feel that I am at my lowest and have nowhere to go but UP.

Nevertheless I am on my way to Louisiana this weekend for Father's Day and to take the LSAT exam. I really hope that my trip will cheer me up, but the root to some of my current pain lives in Louisiana.

How do you guys feel about revenge? I just want someone to feel the pain I am feeling, especially if you cause it. Nevertheless when I go home I am going to try to stay as positive as I can and not resort to any negative behavior. I have to perfect way to get back at this individual, but I am going to try with ALL MY MIGHT not to do it. OHHHHH BUT HOW I WANT TO!!!

If what they say is true.......

Jay Z and others are always saying the following:

Thirties are the new twenties!

If that is so then I want to be 16 FOREVER because my twenties are kicking my a**!!!!!

Hey everybody!!!

I am taking 5 steps back yall............Send a pray up for me. PLEASE!!

Determing how I feel and why

So I wrote this last Wednesday and seriously debated posting it because I thought maybe it was to "BLUE" and did not want to write depressing crap. However this is what I felt at the time and this is my journal so to speak. I am feeling particularly down these days (not as bad as that particular day) for no reason at all. I am currently trying to come to terms with why I am feeling this way and do something about it.

Hello all……..

Feel like hearing about my situation? Well here goes:

Today for some strange reason I get to work and start feeling extremely down. I have no reason to feel like this, nothing in particular has happen or is going to happen. So I start wondering, “Why am I sad?” and thinking about reasons gets me more down. Compared to the next guy, you can say I have a pretty good life. Nevertheless there is always someone who is doing worse than you so I cannot really go by that.

At lunch I call my mom to whine and cry to her about it. I express that I am sad and do not know why and I begin to cry. She goes to say that I always get like this and that I should go see someone because I may have a chemical imbalance (I disagree).

Now here I am after work sitting in my church parking lot waiting for Bible Study (in 2 hours) to start (I live 20 mins away and if I were to go home and then come back—I would not come back). I am starting to get my materials out to start working on some practice problems dealing with the LSAT when I come across the notes I took the last time I came to Bible Study.

“Your test/trial will always come at your spiritual promotion”

Ah ha!! So I seat and ponder on that particular statement.

In earlier days where I tried to do better by God, what got me the most were my actions. There were things I just could not shake. However as I grow older, wiser, and closer to God, I see myself not even having a desire to do certain things and not caring what others (such as family, close friends and/or peers) think about it. I had a situation to occur this weekend where (though very painful) I have come to the conclusion that I may have to eliminate someone out of my life because I feel like they are keeping me back from something greater. I have always been the type that if my friend girls were trying to better themselves and wanted to eliminate something from their life, I would respect that and just not go to certain places or do certain things with them. However this particular friend (actually a family member) is not respecting that there are some places and things that I no longer want to be involve in. Its not like I am trying to do it because I know it is not pleasing to Him, literally the desire to go to those places and do those things are not on my heart. For her to not understand that (or care) hurts extremely.

With that being said, I feel that since the devil (and/or evil forces) cannot play on my weakness that way, he is trying to play with my mind!!!! LOL (no seriously). I am developing spiritually and the devil cannot stand it. Nevertheless I am going to continue to pray and give thanks for the many blessings (and I do mean MANY) God has provided me with.

I have came to the conclusion that I may suffer from depression (or this maybe what some people who are going through quarter life crisis go through). Nevertheless I feel that it is a very small form of it.

My question is how does this go with my spirituality? So I am currently trying to figure out:

spiritual growth and depression

having faith vs. depression

I would love to have you guys view/opinion of this.

10 things I want to learn how to do:

1. Learn how to write poetry. (is this something you can learn?)
2. Sew. I think I have an unique style. Its a materialistic (brand whore as my aunt calls it) on a budget, tailored, preppy, hoodtastic, afrocentric look.
3. Spanish. Reason: I live in Atlanta, there is no other reason.
4. Japanese. Because I heard its a hard language to learn and I like challenges. Also I want to visit Tokyo for my 30th birthday.
5. Speaking in public without nearly fainting.
6. DANCING!!!! Oh my gosh!! I have no rhythm what so ever. Its bad.
7. Play a piano.
8. Play a guitar.
9. Be more patient.
10. Be a better daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, soror.

These were just off the top of my head. Just sitting up here drinking and thinking about stuff.

April's Book of the Month

10 Good Choices that Empowers Black Women's Lives
By Grace Cornish

I read this book (the first time) the summer before my sophomore year in college. I was in my first “young adult” relationship, and it was going okay (who would have known he would dump me on my birthday 3 months later!!!!). Nevertheless I joined Black Expressions and picked the book, “10 Good Choices that Empowers Black Women’s Lives” by Grace Cornish.

So I was looking through my old books (trying to establish my own library) and came across this one. I think everything happens for a reason and truly feel like I came across this book (again) at the perfect time. This is a follow up book to her first one entitled, “10 Bad Choices That Ruin Black Women's Lives”. Since I am trying to NOT focus and write about negative things so much, I would rather focus on empowering one’s self. Here is where “10 Good Choices” comes in.

First and importantly, it is helping empower me in the areas I am working on currently which is feeling beautiful, going for what I want, stop feeling that anyone (Kanye West – that’s another post) or anything seemed out of reach. This is not one of those quick fix books, but rather guide to achieving life success. Right now I am in transition to becoming a better child of God and understanding how I can do that in this world I live in. This book helps tremendously.

Here are the 10 steps:

1. Embracing the Skin You're In


2. Accepting "Better Love," Not "Bitter Love"


3. Making Money Work for You


4. Turning Stumbling Blocks into Stepping Stones


5. Avoiding "the Only Fly in the Buttermilk" Thinking


6. Trusting Your Own Intuition


7. Taking Calculated Chances, Not Idle Ones


8. Giving Stress a Perpetual Rest


9. Rewriting Your Life's Script


10. Using Your "Praying Energy" for "Staying Energy"

Can we talk about something else?

Do we have to (please excuse my french) f**king talk about men every time we get on the phone? I am sooooo tired of talking about them. We are all educated sisters with plenty going on in our lives, but it seems like every time I call a close friend or they call me, we end up talking about them (men). Why? Its not going to change anything. It is getting to the point to where I do not want to talk to them because THAT'S ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT. I try to change the subject, but somehow we get right back on it. I am trying to just concentrate on me, and I feel if I keep myself busy that I will not think about men and the issues (or lack of having a man) concerning them. Do I have to be reminded everyday that I am single? You do not have to tell me that you are unhappy single, I KNOW!!! Yes, "friend" I know its hard finding a good man. No "friend" I do not know why we keep getting deadbeats portraying themselves as men. Nevertheless you have to be the good friend and sit there and listen and be supportive because probably I was the one bitching about it last week. LOL!! Lets talk about:

1. Politics
2. Fashion (there are these "high waisted jeans" from Levi and Guess that I want so bad!!)
3. TV
4. Our friendship
5. Careers
6. Memories
7. Spirituality
8. Fitness
9. Establishing a time to meet up or get together
10. Anything else other than MEN!!!!!

So I am going to try something new this week, whenever I talk to a girlfriend, I will not mention men at all. If they mention men, I will give them five minutes of convo on this subject and change it. If they try to come back to it, I am going to inform them that I am tired of talking about men (because we are basically talking a particular incident that we have over analyzed for the past couple of days, weeks, months, and sometime years) and if we cannot talk about something else I am getting off the phone. Time to start showing these girls/women (and myself) TOUGH LOVE!!!

I'M I BEING TO HARD/MEAN?

My Vision

So above is my vision board. This basically means these are the things/goals/dreams that I wish to obtain and/or accomplish. Its from the smallest silliest pleasure (perfume --so not in my budget!!) to of course my ultimate career goal of graduating from law school and becoming a business owner. Being that I have been really down in the dumps (hence why I have not been posting on a daily basis) I needed something to continue to drive me. I truly believe in talking things into existence. So I think about it, visualize it, talk about it, and work towards it. Now all I need to accomplish is PATIENCE. Even though I know that things worth having does not come over night. I still feel like I am not moving forward. Nevertheless I advise EVERYONE to make a vision board (I actually think I am about to make another one) and post it somewhere you can see it everyday (mine is on the back of my bedroom door). See it everyday is a constant reminder of what I need/want to do!!

Rejection

I consider myself a God-fearing, motivated, ambitious, and goal driven individual. Nevertheless due to certain circumstances that have happened in my life (good and bad), I am now prone to procrastination. I plan everything I set out to do (yes I am truly anal like that) to the very "tee". Meaning day to day, month to month, year to year. I have been doing this since the summer before my freshman year of high school. I had a pretty good track record too. I complete everything I set forth in doing that I put on my "To-Do List for Life".

I went to the college I wanted to go, made the GPAs I set forth to obtaining, planned what semester to get a car, planned what semester to move off campus, to join my sorority, and planned to graduate early from college to rest and get prepared for my ultimate goal in life. The goals that I mention—ACCOMPLISHED.

Nevertheless the ultimate goal has yet to be "accomplished".

Completing law school.

Have you ever worked extremely hard to get somewhere and when you made it there you wondered why am I here?

Rejection.

I was afraid to move, to succeed at what I worked for, for as long as I could remember due to fear of failure and rejection.

Initially, when I thought about my history it didn't make sense to me. How can I be afraid of rejection when, on most accounts, I haven't experienced it? After digging a little deeper I realized that I've seldom experienced rejection, not because I'm so grand or anything like that, but because I'd never put myself out there long enough to be rejected.

Well I was rejected (flunking out of law school) in a sense, by my own doing. This has haunted me now for almost 4 years. The situation handicapped me. I became one of those individuals that I always talked about: a person who stays in the same element because they are scared of change.

If I'm honest, even now there are so many things that I've been "planning" to do that leave me feeling vulnerable to rejection. And it seems like the higher the stakes, the greater the feeling of vulnerability. But I know that it's necessary. Know that staying in the safe place can stifle growth. If you ever want to increase your faith, step out on nothing, meaning expect nothing to come from it. Move when God tells you to; even when you're uncertain of the outcome. Push past the fear. So I when I came to this milestone in my life: my 25th birthday, I am learning what is important in my life. One way is by eliminating the negativity and individuals who brings these negative forces in my life. I had to shed the "To do list for life" binder (yes it was worth needing a binder for-LOL), and just made a list of things that I wanted to work towards and accomplished. I know you are saying, "Isn't this the same thing?" HOWEVER this list does not have a time frame on it, and it does not run my life like the binder did. If it happens it happens and if it does not, it does not. There will not be any break downs if something does not happen according to my plan. Truthfully it is suppose to happen according to God's plan. I have truly learned this matter and my life is finally starting to come in place because of it.

The very rejection I feared dealing with flunking out of law school manifested in me for years. And guess what, I lived! Not only did I live, but God closed that door, and I truly feel because He is going to open up a greater one. Hallelujah. As crazy as it sounds to me, I thank God that He allowed me to experience rejection and failure. I hope you get rejected and/or fail too (smile). I'm serious, I hope hearing someone say 'No' motivates you to soar, and reach for better. Why settle for ground level, when God is calling you higher? Turn that rejection into fuel. If you are anything like me, it will only stir your persistence.

I am currently studying for the LSAT and will apply to law school for Fall 2009. I know that I flunking out was not because I could not do it, but it was because I was scare of what the future would bring. I kept wondering was I good or smart enough to be here with the rest of the individuals. I did not have enough confidence in me nor God for that matter, and that is just a recipe for disaster.

P.S. The "Ulimate Goal' will eventually go to the accomplished list....IF it is according to God's plan.

Thanks everyone for reading this and I hope it helps you in some way.