Things to do this summer

Being that I am dating myself, here are some things I want to do this summer:

1. Learn how to play pool better. When I was younger my grandparents owned a nightclub right next door to my house, and me and her (my grandmother) use to hustle men out of there money in pool games. I was really good back then.
2. Walk a 5K. Lets be honest, that’s all I can really do for now and I have to start somewhere.
3. Going to TWO concerts with friends (or by myself).
4. Search myspace and look for independent artists in my area. Because right now radio SUCKS!!!
5. Since I have reconnect with so many childhood friends through myspace, once a week, contact one and catch up.
6. At least once this summer, take in a “Movie in the Park” and “Concert in the Park”.
7. Since I grew up on baseball/softball, I found a park that has a league near me. Now I will not be participating (LOL), but I will attend a game or two.
8. Go to Stone Mountain and climb the damn mountain.
9. Go to Six Flags and the water park
10. Read at least THREE books (pertaining to history)
11. Go to some “Jazz Night” events.
12. Go to a reggae bar and meet a man with an accent and just listen to him talk. However I will not exchange phone numbers, just want to live with the fantasy.
13. Get involve in a spades tournament or just have a spades party.
14. Learn how to play chess
15. Go see the play, “The Color Purple” (well I will be doing this in July)
    
    

Determing how I feel and why

So I wrote this last Wednesday and seriously debated posting it because I thought maybe it was to "BLUE" and did not want to write depressing crap. However this is what I felt at the time and this is my journal so to speak. I am feeling particularly down these days (not as bad as that particular day) for no reason at all. I am currently trying to come to terms with why I am feeling this way and do something about it.

Hello all……..

Feel like hearing about my situation? Well here goes:

Today for some strange reason I get to work and start feeling extremely down. I have no reason to feel like this, nothing in particular has happen or is going to happen. So I start wondering, “Why am I sad?” and thinking about reasons gets me more down. Compared to the next guy, you can say I have a pretty good life. Nevertheless there is always someone who is doing worse than you so I cannot really go by that.

At lunch I call my mom to whine and cry to her about it. I express that I am sad and do not know why and I begin to cry. She goes to say that I always get like this and that I should go see someone because I may have a chemical imbalance (I disagree).

Now here I am after work sitting in my church parking lot waiting for Bible Study (in 2 hours) to start (I live 20 mins away and if I were to go home and then come back—I would not come back). I am starting to get my materials out to start working on some practice problems dealing with the LSAT when I come across the notes I took the last time I came to Bible Study.

“Your test/trial will always come at your spiritual promotion”

Ah ha!! So I seat and ponder on that particular statement.

In earlier days where I tried to do better by God, what got me the most were my actions. There were things I just could not shake. However as I grow older, wiser, and closer to God, I see myself not even having a desire to do certain things and not caring what others (such as family, close friends and/or peers) think about it. I had a situation to occur this weekend where (though very painful) I have come to the conclusion that I may have to eliminate someone out of my life because I feel like they are keeping me back from something greater. I have always been the type that if my friend girls were trying to better themselves and wanted to eliminate something from their life, I would respect that and just not go to certain places or do certain things with them. However this particular friend (actually a family member) is not respecting that there are some places and things that I no longer want to be involve in. Its not like I am trying to do it because I know it is not pleasing to Him, literally the desire to go to those places and do those things are not on my heart. For her to not understand that (or care) hurts extremely.

With that being said, I feel that since the devil (and/or evil forces) cannot play on my weakness that way, he is trying to play with my mind!!!! LOL (no seriously). I am developing spiritually and the devil cannot stand it. Nevertheless I am going to continue to pray and give thanks for the many blessings (and I do mean MANY) God has provided me with.

I have came to the conclusion that I may suffer from depression (or this maybe what some people who are going through quarter life crisis go through). Nevertheless I feel that it is a very small form of it.

My question is how does this go with my spirituality? So I am currently trying to figure out:

spiritual growth and depression

having faith vs. depression

I would love to have you guys view/opinion of this.

10 things I want to learn how to do:

1. Learn how to write poetry. (is this something you can learn?)
2. Sew. I think I have an unique style. Its a materialistic (brand whore as my aunt calls it) on a budget, tailored, preppy, hoodtastic, afrocentric look.
3. Spanish. Reason: I live in Atlanta, there is no other reason.
4. Japanese. Because I heard its a hard language to learn and I like challenges. Also I want to visit Tokyo for my 30th birthday.
5. Speaking in public without nearly fainting.
6. DANCING!!!! Oh my gosh!! I have no rhythm what so ever. Its bad.
7. Play a piano.
8. Play a guitar.
9. Be more patient.
10. Be a better daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, soror.

These were just off the top of my head. Just sitting up here drinking and thinking about stuff.

Did nothing I said I was going to do!!

I did not do anything I wanted to do this weekend. Meaning I did not lay on my ass and get the rest I needed.

Did I think of something profound and blog about it? LOL. (Had to laugh at that myself)
Did I study? No.
Did I work on my pending business? No.
Did I clean up and read? Nah.
What about exercise, did I do that? Come on now! You know I didn’t.

So what did I do, well I slept in every morning and did the following:
I went out on Saturday night:
First spot – A nice little bar that plays live music on Saturday night. Had a nice meal with great music. Cost: $20.00 (including cover)!!
Second Spot – A great billiard spot downtown with live music on the first floor and a DJ on the second floor. Cost: FREE (no cover and free drinks from 2 lame guys me and my friend met)
GOT A SPEEDING TICKET AT 3AM, 3MINTUES FROM HOME!!!

I went to a Poetry spot on Sunday night and got my “Love Jones” on.
While there (only a $7 cover) from 8pm until 1am, I had a blast. This will become one of my regular spots. I sat there and enjoyed the environment and came to the conclusion that wish I had the talent that they possess. The gift of poetry is truly a blessing from God. OH! I got one of the poets number, but I am not going to call. However it did make me feel good. LOL

Today, I did not do a thing except lay in the bed and look up one of the poets on myspace. Checked ALL my favorite blogs (that takes all day in itself).

No work on Monday! YEAH!!

What are your plans for this weekend and Monday?

Mine started with getting off work early and watching shows I tivo until I fell asleep. I plan on doing that tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday. Also catching up with cleaning, reading, blogging, studying, and exercising. So basically a really boring weekend. However I am VERY EXCITED about it. I have already told everyone that I am not doing anything, for the last 3-4 weekends my butt been on the go. All I want to do is lay low and chill.

Back from Louisiana and brought back an illness

Sooo I am back from Louisiana (came back on Monday) and the visit was interesting to say the least. I got to do everything I wanted:

1. Ate crawfish everyday I was there
2. Went to a drive thru daiquiri shop and got my favorite -- A LARGE hurricane (was feeling quite right!!)!!!
3. Ate snowballs everyday (sometimes twice a day)
4. Just circle blocks in my town in the black "Pre-Lexus" (my 08 Toyota Corolla)

A lot of interesting things happen while I was at home (and of course they involved men) and will definitely discuss them at a later date. However this was the first time that I felt like maybe I was missing out on something by not being at home. Also every night I had the best sleep (even Saturday night when I got in at 5am and woke up at 9am) ever!!!! I was sleeping on the couch! Did not matter, I woke up refreshed, alert, and well-rested. This was great because as of lately I have not been getting the best of rest. Sometime I would not go to bed until sunlight. I do not know what that is all about.

The only issue I have is everyone wanting me to come see them and getting upset when I can not fit them in. Its not that I do not care about you or that I care about someone else more than you, (hell I did not even see my daddy this time) its just that there are so many hours in ONE DAY!!! How about you get up and come see me? Why should I be the one visiting everyone? I am the visitor, come see if I am at my mom's house resting from another drive I took to see someone. Doing all this visiting, I feel like my mom got the shit end of the stick because I really did not spend that much time with her. I was always on the go.

Nevertheless the trip was great and I cannot wait until father's day because that is when I go back. Another weekend of eating crawfish and snowballs and drinking daiquiri.

I brought something back from my trip: SICKNESS!!! I have bronchitis. So Monday morning I woke up with a sore throat and a terrible cough. I literally felt like crying when I need to cough. Nevertheless I went to work on Tuesday and when I got home that evening it was worse. So today I went to the doc and got not one, but TWO shots in my ass!! I also have some horse pills and nasty cough medicine to take.

I debated if I should go back to work tomorrow, but my mama said that I should be passing this on to my co-workers. Since you should never go against your mother's word, I will not be going to work tomorrow either. I think that I should take that Friday off also. They know I am really sick (hell I was there Tuesday so they know that I am not making this up and acting like I am still in Louisiana). I just wished that I would have figured this out Monday and I could have stayed in Louisiana all week and went to the crawfish boil for the high school graduating class on Saturday. Oh well!! I will just rest up and drink plenty of fluids so that I can go see Katt Williams on Saturday.

Thanks for reading this senseless post!

Someone always have something to say

So I check my blog email today and come upon an email from a fellow "blogger" stating that my blog needs improvement and here are some (or one very important one) suggestions.

"How about you take into consideration blogging about more important issues concerning African Americans and black women? It seems like your blog is going into a direction of being very self centered and you might lose your audience."

First. Thanks for your consideration and/or opinions, but like assholes, EVERYONE HAS ONE.

Second. I am NOT an African American. I am an American who is black (however that is for another post -- check out a wonderful poem by Smokey Robinson below).

Third. My blog is SUPPOSED to be self-centered. It is about ME being 25 and finally realizing that I am a full blown adult, dealing with it and getting comfortable with it. I am looking for individuals who can relate, want to give advice because they been where I am at/going, and give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Also I think you have to be blessed with the gift to write about certain things. I leave that to the wonderful blogs to my right (blogs that influence me to blog) that I just have to check EVERYDAY.

Fourth. I am not looking to be the most popular blog. I am happy and excited that I have people just looking at it and commenting. This is a perfect avenue for me. I have always had a passion for writing and journaling and this help satisfy both of them.

So fellow "blogger" if you do not like the path my blog is taking, that is okay and please feel free to go elsewhere.

Nevertheless here are TWO YOUTUBE CLIPS, that I think are great discussion starters. Please feel free to check them out and leave a comment.

Tonight is the night!!!!!!

In about FIVE HOURS I will be in the same room as my man KANYE WEST!!!! Okay, you guys do not understand. I have been going crazy about what to wear (just in case we lock eyes or something) that I have been driving everyone crazy! LOL However nothing but the best for my man (okay let me live in fairytale land for a minute). I think this song is appropriate for this day!

Cannot wait to go home!!!

The pic speaks for itself. I will be going home (Louisiana) for Mother's day to see mom (of course) and the rest of my fam. However I am really going home because I need to have some crawfish. Dang!!! This is literally my favorite food and I still have not gotten use to them not being here in the Atlanta area. My entire life every weekend (well from February until July) there was a crawfish boil somewhere for me to attend. So lets just say that these last few months have been hard on me. I have had friends and family call and rub it in about eating them. Nevertheless I will literally be eating them Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of that weekend. While some may say that I am over doing it, I am simply saying that I have to get my fix in so I will not be craving them once I come back up here.

Dating MYSELF

So it is Saturday and I am back at home from my date with myself. Yep I wrote that correctly, I am dating myself. If you saw the youtube clip before reading this, aside from the humor, it was informative (at least for me). I talk a good game to everybody about how I am happy and just concentrating on me, but sometimes it gets hard and today is one of those days. I had to turn lemons into lemonade. I got out of bed, turned the TV off since it is a "no TV day" (will post about later) and commence to cleaning my room and my bathroom (remember that I live with my aunt, so those are the only areas I use). Cleaning was an ALL DAY (well 3 hours) job, and after that I gave myself an "in-home" spa treatment. After the spa, I did my hair like I went to a stylist and applied makeup to my face. Then I put a fly but casual outfit (you know, to look like I really did not try to dress up, but it just looked like I did) and decided to go see a movie, have a drink afterward, and grab a bite to eat. Now this is nothing new, I am not afraid and actually enjoy doing things by myself. However I do not do them on the weekends during "date hours". Nevertheless it was enjoyable and I am planning on have a "date night" with myself once a week or once every other week. I also purposely limited my conversations with female friends today because I know they would have wanted to join me and:

1. It would have defeated the purpose of going on a date with myself.
2. It would have turned into a girls night out which would have included talking about men and how much more fun it would have been if men were with us.
3. They would have gotten on my nerves checking men out, or complaining and whining about couples being mushy or just because they see a couple.

Anyway, the movie "Babymama" was great! 2 thumbs up! Went to a bar and had 2 Lemon drop martinis, and then to Chili's and got a to-go order. Now I am at home fulled and a little buzzed (drunk 2 glasses of wine with my food). To some this may seem pitiful, but actually it made me feel better. I have to practice what I preach!! Yesterday I went to Borders and spent 2 hours there having a blast with all the books (again I am an undercover nerd! LOL) and today I took myself to the movies and out to eat. So I should be sufficient until next weekend.

Next week: Go to a Jazz club!!!

Another one bites the dust

Since I am talking about individuals I will never get..........

So I am not a big music video person these days. However I was talking to a "old friend" on the phone one day last week and he told me about this singer that I use to have a crush on in high school. He was from the group, "Playa". His name was Stephen "Static Major" Garrett and that he had a song out with Lil Wayne. So of course I "youtube" it and found it. After the video goes off, I see a rest in peace with his brithdate and the day of his DEATH!!! What the hell? He died? So I begin to do my research and this is what I found:

"There have been many different speculations about the death of my brother, Stephen Ellis "Static/Major" Garrett. I write this blog entry to set the record straight. I, also, ask that you direct all to this blog for the truth. I spoke to my sister-in-law, Static's wife, yesterday at the funeral, and she, again, permits me to do this. She, also, wants all to know "the truth in the booth." On the day of February 25th, Static was in Atlanta, and began to feel sick. His desire was to go home (Louisville, Kentucky) to be around family and seek medical attention. He had a virus. I, still, don't know what the name of this virus was, but it was not a life-threatening issue, I do know. This particular virus affects the muscles, throat (quivering of the voice), as well as, causes drooping of the eye. He had no history of illnesses or anything of that nature. Anyone that knows Static, knows that he didn't like hospitals. He suffered the death of his sister in the late 80's, when we first met, and had a conscious or phobia about hospitals. I'm sure he's not the only one. I, now, have that conscious. But, he knew he needed medical attention to become well. When he admitted himself to Baptist Hospital East in Louisville, Kentucky, the doctors presented him with medicine that would treat the virus. The treatment was taking the medicine through a shunt, in the neck, which treats more severe cases of this virus. Quicker than taking pills for days. Though, he didn't want the shunt, the doctors insisted that he treat it this way. The treatment was a form of dialysis to filter the blood of the virus. He called his mom and told her, "Mama, something doesn't feel right. It hurts." When the doctor's were made aware that the shunt was hurting him, they took it out......it was over! When taking the shunt out, they took it out in the wrong manner that resulted in damaging the artery. He bled to death! They killed my brother, his wife's husband, his kids' father, his mom's son, and the world's musical inspiration. His death was ruled "accidental". He didn't have to die! But, I will say this. In situations like these, I feel that it was time to go home. And, it's not our decision on whether or not to stay. There is one thing that's guaranteed in this life, and that is, we all have to die, in some point and time, and in some way or another. The moral of this story is do not put off for tomorrow what u could do today! Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised! Do whatever it is that you have to do and whatever it is that you want to do TODAY! I will be writing more on Static/Major, due to the fact that I, regardless, am highly upset and disappointed in Baptist Hospital East and their procedures on Monday, February 25, 2008."
- Smoke Digglera (former Playa bandmate, from his myspace page)

So in memory my old crush....here is "Cheers 2 U" BUT youtube will not let me get it. Sooo here is his last song with Lil Wayne.

Just my imagination

I am in love with Kanye West. It is true and I will elaborate on it later. Nevertheless it is sad to say (but not really) that I am happy that he is single again. I know I know, I am pitiful. Maybe, just maybe when I go to his concert on the 4th he will notice me. Now I will not be like all the other groupies jumping on him. NO! I will be the one being to myself and he will notice and think I am a challenge. Once we start a conversation he will realize that I am a highly intelligent and ambitious woman. He will then express how even though he just broke off his engagement, that he want to pursue something deep and profound with me!!!! Ahhhhh wouldn't that be great?!! LOL LOL Got to speak these things into existence!!!

This song explain my love for him and his music perfectly! Gotta Love Erykah, my fellow Gramblinite!!!!

Can I ask you something?

If your boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend, who would you be more mad at?

I was asked this by a friend guy tonight. Well my answer was simple.

Would not matter because I will kill them both!!!! LOL

My madea always said, "Keep women out of your relationships. They do not need to know the good and/or bad".

If they know the good, then they want to experience it themselves, and if they know the bad then they will always judge the individual.

Thats it.

April's Book of the Month

10 Good Choices that Empowers Black Women's Lives
By Grace Cornish

I read this book (the first time) the summer before my sophomore year in college. I was in my first “young adult” relationship, and it was going okay (who would have known he would dump me on my birthday 3 months later!!!!). Nevertheless I joined Black Expressions and picked the book, “10 Good Choices that Empowers Black Women’s Lives” by Grace Cornish.

So I was looking through my old books (trying to establish my own library) and came across this one. I think everything happens for a reason and truly feel like I came across this book (again) at the perfect time. This is a follow up book to her first one entitled, “10 Bad Choices That Ruin Black Women's Lives”. Since I am trying to NOT focus and write about negative things so much, I would rather focus on empowering one’s self. Here is where “10 Good Choices” comes in.

First and importantly, it is helping empower me in the areas I am working on currently which is feeling beautiful, going for what I want, stop feeling that anyone (Kanye West – that’s another post) or anything seemed out of reach. This is not one of those quick fix books, but rather guide to achieving life success. Right now I am in transition to becoming a better child of God and understanding how I can do that in this world I live in. This book helps tremendously.

Here are the 10 steps:

1. Embracing the Skin You're In


2. Accepting "Better Love," Not "Bitter Love"


3. Making Money Work for You


4. Turning Stumbling Blocks into Stepping Stones


5. Avoiding "the Only Fly in the Buttermilk" Thinking


6. Trusting Your Own Intuition


7. Taking Calculated Chances, Not Idle Ones


8. Giving Stress a Perpetual Rest


9. Rewriting Your Life's Script


10. Using Your "Praying Energy" for "Staying Energy"

Can we talk about something else?

Do we have to (please excuse my french) f**king talk about men every time we get on the phone? I am sooooo tired of talking about them. We are all educated sisters with plenty going on in our lives, but it seems like every time I call a close friend or they call me, we end up talking about them (men). Why? Its not going to change anything. It is getting to the point to where I do not want to talk to them because THAT'S ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT. I try to change the subject, but somehow we get right back on it. I am trying to just concentrate on me, and I feel if I keep myself busy that I will not think about men and the issues (or lack of having a man) concerning them. Do I have to be reminded everyday that I am single? You do not have to tell me that you are unhappy single, I KNOW!!! Yes, "friend" I know its hard finding a good man. No "friend" I do not know why we keep getting deadbeats portraying themselves as men. Nevertheless you have to be the good friend and sit there and listen and be supportive because probably I was the one bitching about it last week. LOL!! Lets talk about:

1. Politics
2. Fashion (there are these "high waisted jeans" from Levi and Guess that I want so bad!!)
3. TV
4. Our friendship
5. Careers
6. Memories
7. Spirituality
8. Fitness
9. Establishing a time to meet up or get together
10. Anything else other than MEN!!!!!

So I am going to try something new this week, whenever I talk to a girlfriend, I will not mention men at all. If they mention men, I will give them five minutes of convo on this subject and change it. If they try to come back to it, I am going to inform them that I am tired of talking about men (because we are basically talking a particular incident that we have over analyzed for the past couple of days, weeks, months, and sometime years) and if we cannot talk about something else I am getting off the phone. Time to start showing these girls/women (and myself) TOUGH LOVE!!!

I'M I BEING TO HARD/MEAN?

My Vision

So above is my vision board. This basically means these are the things/goals/dreams that I wish to obtain and/or accomplish. Its from the smallest silliest pleasure (perfume --so not in my budget!!) to of course my ultimate career goal of graduating from law school and becoming a business owner. Being that I have been really down in the dumps (hence why I have not been posting on a daily basis) I needed something to continue to drive me. I truly believe in talking things into existence. So I think about it, visualize it, talk about it, and work towards it. Now all I need to accomplish is PATIENCE. Even though I know that things worth having does not come over night. I still feel like I am not moving forward. Nevertheless I advise EVERYONE to make a vision board (I actually think I am about to make another one) and post it somewhere you can see it everyday (mine is on the back of my bedroom door). See it everyday is a constant reminder of what I need/want to do!!

Have you kept up with your commitments (resolutions) so far?

I know that many of us own vehicles, so you know that after a certain mileage (my warranty information says every 5000 miles) we have to change our oil. If you are wondering what oil has to do with commitments and resolutions, well…….

Since April will be here in any minute, it is time for me to check and see how I am doing with regards to the commitments I posted earlier this year. I need to (and you to if you made commitments/resolutions) go through and see where I am at with them and to let go of negative ideals, decisions, and people I have obtain this first quarter of the year.

Lets start with determining if I have added negative ideals, decisions, and people into my life. NO!! (Confession – maybe a bad choice or two when it came to men!)

Now that I have that out the way, lets get to the commitments.

Stop living to please other people. This one I am being tested on currently. I am trying to not care what they (meaning family mostly) think and continue to live a life that makes me happy, but……. Basically I still need to work on this one. I purposely did not tell anyone except an extremely few that I was taking on the task of applying to law school. I have enough things to worry about so I do not need anyone telling me I cannot do it or telling me I told you so if I do not get accepted. A major example is me not telling my fam and friends about my blog. Well they know about it, but I will not give them the site. I know that if they were to read it, I would censor my posts and that’s not fair to me or my readers.

Bringing positive people in my life and eliminating the negative ones. I feel like I have accomplished this task successfully. It’s to the point where I am now (thanks to Nerd Girl) trying to be more positive myself. When someone asks me how I am doing, instead of focusing on the negative, find something positive to say. However if I have nothing positive to say, just say I AM DOING GREAT!

Always have something new and big on your agenda. Lets see………..I can safely say that this is going well also. Career path – CHECK! Hobbies – CHECK! Training for my marathon – NOT YET

Never live in the past. Also a work in progress. I have learned to forgive individuals who have wronged me, but I still cannot forget nor stop feeling the pain they have caused me. This makes me feel even worse because I need to learn how do you forgive and let go. This is something that I pray about daily. However I do know that I have made progress. TRUST.

I am getting better at living life and learning to appreciate this stage (chapter) of my life!

The LSAT is less than 90 days away!!!!!!

JUNE 16, 2008. I have less than 90 days left before I take an exam that will make or break my chances into getting into law school. I am planning to study 3 days a week and every other weekend until it is time for the exam. Next Saturday I am schedule to take a practice exam and after the exam they will provide me with the score, my weak areas, and suggestions to obtain a higher score. There are several preparation courses out there, but I do not have $500 - $1000 to give to them. Even though my job is willing to reimburse me, I do not have the money upfront (sad but true). I am just blessed that I have a job that is willing to pay for me to take a test to see IF I can get into law school, much less extremely bless because they are willing to pay for me to take a preparation course for the test. I feel like they can see the potential in me and willing to invest the time and money for me to obtain a higher degree.

I personally see it as a win - win situation. They invest the money and resources in me so that once I receive my law degree, I can become a staff attorney and give them a number of years of employment. I see me benefiting from this because:

1. I am securing myself job security at a job I presently love going to (even though some new management get on my nerves).


2. I will be working under (and I hope she writes one of my recommendation letters) one of the only ladies in the franchise law arena.


3. I will be gaining tons of experience in the corporate world and in three to four different areas of law. (franchise, contracts, trademarks, real estate)

So I think that everyone will win in this matter!!!! Please wish me luck!!! I will keep you updated.

Again here I go being M-I-A

Hello everyone,

WARNING: This post will most likely be everywhere because basically my mind is!

I know I been M-I-A for a couple of weeks, but I just been trying to get everything in my life on a well thought-out path. I feel I am trying to do too much at one time, and now I am working on getting everything in an organized motion so that I will not get overwhelmed. So I am working a full time job, trying to obtain a part-time job, study for the LSAT, self bible study, exercise, and write my blog. I know some may think that this is nothing or I am just whining, but there is only 24 hours in a day. We sleep 8 (at least that what I am suppose to sleep) hours away, work 9 (maybe more depending on my mood), and then we have my 2-3 hour a day work commute. That leaves me with 3-4 hours during the weekday to do everything else. With all this activity I should not have the time to even consider thinking about a man, or my lack of having a man. Nevertheless I do, a lot, no all the time, no ALL DAY EVERYDAY!! I have too much going on and here I go wanting a man. I need to be focusing on the process of finding myself and making sure I know myself, but how can I do that if I cannot get wanting a man out of my mind. Maybe it is because all my close friends are going through the same thing and that’s all we talk about. So bear with me while I try to clear my mind and get the thought out of my head that I want a man. I am a work in progress!!

Here is a poem that expresses how I feel exactly:

I said that 2008 would be the year that I find myself; concentrate on not worrying about others and their impression/view of me, and achieving the goals that I set forth for myself. With April coming up and a quarter of the year behind us, I feel like I am doing well and I am on a good path. However I know that I am work in progress.

Right now this is the song that I have on repeat:

Rejection

I consider myself a God-fearing, motivated, ambitious, and goal driven individual. Nevertheless due to certain circumstances that have happened in my life (good and bad), I am now prone to procrastination. I plan everything I set out to do (yes I am truly anal like that) to the very "tee". Meaning day to day, month to month, year to year. I have been doing this since the summer before my freshman year of high school. I had a pretty good track record too. I complete everything I set forth in doing that I put on my "To-Do List for Life".

I went to the college I wanted to go, made the GPAs I set forth to obtaining, planned what semester to get a car, planned what semester to move off campus, to join my sorority, and planned to graduate early from college to rest and get prepared for my ultimate goal in life. The goals that I mention—ACCOMPLISHED.

Nevertheless the ultimate goal has yet to be "accomplished".

Completing law school.

Have you ever worked extremely hard to get somewhere and when you made it there you wondered why am I here?

Rejection.

I was afraid to move, to succeed at what I worked for, for as long as I could remember due to fear of failure and rejection.

Initially, when I thought about my history it didn't make sense to me. How can I be afraid of rejection when, on most accounts, I haven't experienced it? After digging a little deeper I realized that I've seldom experienced rejection, not because I'm so grand or anything like that, but because I'd never put myself out there long enough to be rejected.

Well I was rejected (flunking out of law school) in a sense, by my own doing. This has haunted me now for almost 4 years. The situation handicapped me. I became one of those individuals that I always talked about: a person who stays in the same element because they are scared of change.

If I'm honest, even now there are so many things that I've been "planning" to do that leave me feeling vulnerable to rejection. And it seems like the higher the stakes, the greater the feeling of vulnerability. But I know that it's necessary. Know that staying in the safe place can stifle growth. If you ever want to increase your faith, step out on nothing, meaning expect nothing to come from it. Move when God tells you to; even when you're uncertain of the outcome. Push past the fear. So I when I came to this milestone in my life: my 25th birthday, I am learning what is important in my life. One way is by eliminating the negativity and individuals who brings these negative forces in my life. I had to shed the "To do list for life" binder (yes it was worth needing a binder for-LOL), and just made a list of things that I wanted to work towards and accomplished. I know you are saying, "Isn't this the same thing?" HOWEVER this list does not have a time frame on it, and it does not run my life like the binder did. If it happens it happens and if it does not, it does not. There will not be any break downs if something does not happen according to my plan. Truthfully it is suppose to happen according to God's plan. I have truly learned this matter and my life is finally starting to come in place because of it.

The very rejection I feared dealing with flunking out of law school manifested in me for years. And guess what, I lived! Not only did I live, but God closed that door, and I truly feel because He is going to open up a greater one. Hallelujah. As crazy as it sounds to me, I thank God that He allowed me to experience rejection and failure. I hope you get rejected and/or fail too (smile). I'm serious, I hope hearing someone say 'No' motivates you to soar, and reach for better. Why settle for ground level, when God is calling you higher? Turn that rejection into fuel. If you are anything like me, it will only stir your persistence.

I am currently studying for the LSAT and will apply to law school for Fall 2009. I know that I flunking out was not because I could not do it, but it was because I was scare of what the future would bring. I kept wondering was I good or smart enough to be here with the rest of the individuals. I did not have enough confidence in me nor God for that matter, and that is just a recipe for disaster.

P.S. The "Ulimate Goal' will eventually go to the accomplished list....IF it is according to God's plan.

Thanks everyone for reading this and I hope it helps you in some way.